Birth Mother Reflections…Looking Back Twenty Years Later

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In many ways some of us are very similar. We have had our hearts broken, walked through fire, and lived to talk about it. My story starts as a little girl growing up. I attended a Christian school and my family attended church twice every Sunday. I had a great upbringing, never lacked for anything……until 1988. I was ten years old. It was a Sunday morning and my dad was getting ready to go for his morning run. He left, leaving my mom to get us kids ready for church. We did not know that my dad would never come back home. My dad went to be with Jesus on May 22nd. Again, I was ten; I had no idea how to react or how to process my feelings. After all, what’s mourning to a ten year old?

A few years went by and my mom decided to get remarried to a man that I now dearly love, but at the time hated his guts. I began to see that my mom’s marriage and the importance of keeping the family together didn’t include how I was doing in life. I felt my needs fall to the wayside. I felt that no one really cared and I began to act out. I turned to smoking, alcohol, drugs and boys. They all made me feel good for a time, but once I was sober or had a moment to think, that emptiness still remained, that longing to be loved.

As the years continued I still defied my mother and this new man she called her husband. At fifteen, I started dating a guy a few years older than me; he was in to drinking and drugging just like I was. I really liked him; he told me that he loved me, and that everything was going to be okay. I was not ready to give myself away yet, but he kept asking, kept promising that he would be careful. Nothing bad was going to happen; oh, and of course, he loved me. So, in June of 1993, I gave myself away to him, never to turn back what was done.

A month later, low and behold, no period for me! It was the worst feeling I have ever felt; the fear swept over me. What was I going to do? This is not supposed to happen to a small town Christian girl like me. I decided to tell no one, not my mom, not even my best friend. Oh, and that boy that told me he loved me and everything was going to be okay, walked away from me and never was a part of my life again. I went through nine months of fear and wondering when my mom would figure it out. I had morning sickness. I had to lie and say I had my monthly visitor. I even had an X-ray on my back done for a sports injury. Still no one figured it out.

In March I was at my high school job and I began to feel like I was getting a period again. I ran to the bathroom only to realize that it wasn’t that at all. My water was leaking. The following morning I was having awful pains in my stomach and my mom let me stay home from school. That night she decided to bring me to the hospital. Finally she would find out that I was probably pregnant. I say ‘probably’ because at times I still didn’t believe it myself.

In going to the hospital I knew that my mom was about to find out. We arrived at the hospital and talked to one of the nurses. They brought me in to a room. I began to cry. I had to tell her. I was finally able to let go of all of the fear and anguish that I had been holding onto for almost ten months.

That night, with the fear of having no prenatal care and never seeing a doctor that whole nine months, I gave birth to an 8lb, 7oz bouncing baby boy. He was beautiful. God had truly watched out for his little life.

Soon the realization set in that I was not ready to be a mom, nor did this little boy deserve to live without a mom and a dad. As a family, my mom and I decided that the best thing would be to release him for adoption. I released him to a loving Christian couple that was not able to have children, and had been waiting to adopt. He has been a part of this loving Christian family since the day he was born.

There is not a day that goes by still that I don’t think about him, wondering how he is doing and if he knows how much I love him. All the lies that I had been told and my longing for male attention resulted in his birth and I had to make one of the biggest decisions of my life.

After the adoption process was final, I continued to hide my pain in drinking and drugs, and after awhile, men again. I longed so much to feel love and what it felt like to be loved. The only way that I thought a man would love me was to give myself to him, in a way that God only intends for a husband and a wife united in Him should be. I continued on this pattern for a long while, never thinking that I would have any consequences. Well, I did and still do to this day.

By God’s grace, I am not dying of a sexually transmitted disease; drugs and alcohol are no longer a part of my life. However, finding my self-love and the unconditional love that only God can give was still something that I searched and longed for. I knew that the way that I had been living was no longer the answer. I decided to my give my life back over to God in April of 2005. My life has been amazing every since. God does amazing things when your life is in His hands and you let go of control.

I am now married to the man that God intended for me to spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate if you will. My husband loves me just as God does, unconditionally, broken and damaged. I thank God every day for His love, His mercy, and His grace that is new for you and me every morning. My husband and I now have a two year old little boy and he is the light of our world. I am so grateful that God gave him to us to share with him what great things God has in store for his life. There is, however, one thing that I will never be able to give my husband that I wish I could, and that is me, pure and untouched.

I hope that hearing my story opens your eyes to the lies that Satan can tell us, the stories that he allows us to tell ourselves that we are not lovable, that we are not worthy of anyone’s love, not even God’s love. These are lies from the pit of hell. You are lovable and worthy of God’s great love; you just have to let Him in. I found it in Him and I rest in it daily.

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